Recently a close friend of mine was diagnosed with brain cancer. It’s hard because not only is he young but he is one of the most strong willed, stubborn, crazy boys I know. To know that something like that could bring a wild boy down is kind of disheartening. 

As I’m going through my Monica week it’s those little life awakening moments that other people go through that help me value what I have. 

On a lighter note. Clash of The Titans tonight. A friend was the art director for it, so figure we should go show some support. 

last night was a very interesting night. 

shortly after posting my most recent blog i got a call from a friend in need. we went for a drive and talked for hours about some dingy girl that is constantly breaking his heart and for some reason i think i got more out of the conversation then he did. 

It’s funny how things work out. I was feeling so down on life and simply by talking to someone else or rather listening to someone else’s problems i felt better. 

It’s a brand new fresh day and im ready for the sun to be shining in utah. I’m ready for shorts, and otterpops, and fresh summer blend CD’s. 

Bring it on world. Im ready.

Ever since I was a wee little pup I would start writing in a journal and then just stop. It’s the same with blogging. I’ll be doing great and then all of the sudden I will just stop writing. It’s kind of a sad ordeal because truthfully I love spilling my guts and letting the world read my every thought. It’s mildly exhilarating. Lots and lots has been happening lately. Got my heart broken, lost myself in the process and as of now. I’m kind of confused to be honest. I don’t know where to even begin to fix things. I have this feeling in my stomach that just makes me want to hurl. I think its because I’m lacking in the confidence department right now and I am questioning every move I make. It’s not like i don’t question things any ways. 

For example. 

Everyone that has ever gone out to dinner with me knows that i have a difficult time just ordering something. I first ask everyone else what they are having and then once i think i know what i want, I ask the waiter what they would have if they were me. I just simply can’t decide. It’s not that I don’t trust myself. It’s that I don’t want to miss something better that could be there. 

I don’t think that same reasoning that I use with food and other things in life can be applied to my current situation though. I think I’m just simply in a hump that will take some deep soul searching to get out of. 

So thats why I have decided to take the rest of the week and just dedicate it to me. This is a Monica week. A week where I can rediscover what I really love about myself and not just what others like about me. 

Oh blogging. I have missed you.

For english I had to research a job that i would enjoy doing, i chose freelance writing so now, here i am, giving an example of freelance writing in the simplest form. This semester has been super interesting. After getting sick multiple times and failing to attend an Aggie Basketball game it has still turned out to be a great semester. With it coming to a close all the projects are starting to pile on top of each other and the feeling is becoming extremely overwhelming. I know though, that ill truck through it like i do every semester. This week should be very exciting week. BYU is coming to town to be eaten by all the Aggie fans and more then likely lose, cry like little children and head back to what they call Orem, Utah. Gosh i love aggie basketball it excites me on every level and Nate Bendall is great and i would trully enjoy marrying him and making little basketball player babies. Gosh i hope he doesn’t read this. Talk about embarrassing.

I procrastinate. Obviously, im posting this on the day that it is due which probably isn’t the smartest thing but at least i got it done.

Note: December 2nd will be the best day ever. The end.

Friday night. Im sitting on my couch writing a blog. I could be out at the 80’s dance, dancing my life away…but im not.

Again, im sitting on my couch, writing a blog.

I have this sick feeling in my stomach like something bad may or may not happen. Usually my sick feelings are pretty correct.

Crappy friends. What defines whether or not you should remain friends with someone? I mean heck there are so many “standards” for being a good friend. Loyal, kind, trustworthy and the list obviously goes on and on. But what about the negative things that you don’t want in a friend. How long can you wait before that list gets longer and longer. I mean, if someone is making you a convenient friend do you keep them along side you, even though you know they probably wont want to really be your friend unless you have something to offer them. The only reason I ask this question is because lately I have been evaluating my life, probably over evaluating. I have this problem I’m quite friendly. I tend to take everyone under my wing and trust everyone. Which in return ends up in me sucking at life and getting these false expectations, expectations that i know could never be met. Even though I throw myself out there in the world as if i have no defenses I don’t want to be vulnerable I just simply don’t know how to go about not becoming this vulnerable lost puppy dog…probably not the best comparison.

Hope is something that we as human beings can only give ourselves. Someone else’s stories can inspire us to have hope. But one person on the T.V telling us he can give us hope is unrealistic. Because after all hope, just like anything else in life is only what YOU make it. And i guess i should probably just take my own advice, make the best of my situation. Make my life what I want it to be.

Gosh I just love writing until I find an answer. I almost just want to press delete and not post this, but I need to, so I can look back and rediscover if I need to.